We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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