never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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