Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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