the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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