Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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