I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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