I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
