: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
