a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
