Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
