just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
