Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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