I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
