we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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