I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
