i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
