Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
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