Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
