I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
