Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
