That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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