did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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