in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
