I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
