A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
