she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
