Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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