I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
