my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
