Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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