You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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