why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
