She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
