I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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