Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
