I skipped work to stalk him.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
