More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
