If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
