he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
