My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
