Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
