The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
