Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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