DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
