Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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