at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
