So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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