Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
