If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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