Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
