I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
