Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
