I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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